Well, I managed to get it working! I downloaded the latest version of php and installed it. Here are the commands in case it helps anyone else:
$ gunzip -c php-4.x.y.tar.gz | tar xf -
$ cd php-4.x.y
$ ./configure --with-mysql --with-apxs
$ make
$ make install
If you get an error telling you that the apxs script could not be found,
look for it on your system and if you find it, provide the full path to it
as: --with-apxs=/path/to/apxs
Next you must copy php.ini-dist to the appropriate place (normally
/usr/local/lib/php.ini) and edit it as necessary to set PHP options.
The only thing left to do is to edit your httpd.conf file and make sure the
PHP 4 mime type is there and uncommented.
If anyone knows about how to get php to parse .html files w/ IIS on win 2k, I would love to hear about it. Thanks!