That's a pretty tall request
Agreed, 100%.
megazones, there are freeware PHP forums, similar, albeit not quite the same as, this one, which is based on "VBulletin" and is a fine piece of commercial PHP software. Look around for phpBB...it simply untars into a web folder and you do the configuration/installation/administration through a web form. Does require a database, though...MySQL works with it, of course, not sure about any others.
As for IRC, I've seen Java-based web IRC clients, but I'm busy enough I don't even want to think about it at the present....I can wish you "good luck," I suppose....