include_twice()
The include_twice() statement allows the user to include a file exactly twice. Both the first and second call to include_twice() will include the file, potentially raising errors. Subsequent calls will not include the file.
See also include_trice()
int array_run(array array, string func [, mixed userdata)
Similar to array_walk(), but instead of iterating through every element of the array, it runs through the array, potentially skipping entries here and there, depending on how busy the processor is
See also array_cycle(), array_drive(), array_canter(), array_stumble()
multiply_by_seven()
first_of_november_1900()
See Also: end_of_december_1979()
array_hooray()
code_length()
Returns the length of the given code in meters
carry_on()
Synonym of dont_die()
array_olay()
new boolen constant: maybe
if ($result == maybe) {
possibly_do_it();
}
is_big()
Returns true if a number (int or float) is big (ie not small)
See Also: is_small(), is_bigish(), is_smallish()
is_small()
returns true if a number is small (ie not big)
boolean is_bigish()
Returns true if the number is not small, but not exactly big either. Otherwise returns false
See also: is_smallish(), is_big(), is_small()
right_shift_date()
Treating a date as bits (in format), right shifts the bits and introduces 0 in the most significant position. Results are unpredictable.
is_funny(string)
Returns true if the string supplied is funny
See Also: is_still_funny()
is_still_funny(string, date)
Returns true if the string supplied will still be funny on the given date – useful for old jokes.
See Also: is_funny()
bugfree { expresion } to ($file);
end_bugfree($file); // place these markers around a piece of code you don’t want to contain bugs. bugs will be remove and placed in a holding file
sing()
as php can't sing it just returns the text with "#" termintators so it looks like singing:
Santa Claus is coming to town #. Synonym of poetry().
evolve()
Leaves the code in place for 10 millions years to allow for quantum effects to introduce random errors in the server's memory. Eventually the code will be better.
count_ms()
Returns the number of (lower case) "m" characters there are in a string.
replace_space_with_space()
Complex preg expression to replace all spaces (0x20) with space characters (0x20).
remember_youre_a_womble()
Returns true if womble state stored
echo_echo_echo_echo()
Prints the string 4 times (fainter each time)
to_be_or_not_to_be($expr = null)
Returns $true if $expr is true. "that is the question" is returned if $expr is null.
if (is_locomotion_required()) {
$WithMe = true;
do_the_locomotion($WithMe);
}
can_you_tell_what_it_is_yet(img)
The image is a work in progress by rolf harris. returns boolean if the image is recognised
dont_randomly_delete_files()
Tells PHP not to randomly delete file. Useful if your not writing a virus or other malicious software.
upgrade_server()
Places on-line order for new server.
wmd_present()
Always returns true without searching
boolean is_the_flumps_on_telly()
dont_print($expr)
Don't print the expression (converts numbers to strings etc)
dont_include()
Checks to see if a file has been include. If it has, then it wont be include again. If it hasn’t yet been included it won’t include it either.
what_would_happen_if_i()
Returns a string stating what would happen if you did something. If string is null, output is “nothing would happen”
ask_geeves()
Asks geeves a question and returns the answer to lots of other questions you didn’t ask.
speed_up()
Executes is less than 0 seconds making your code overall run faster.
cockney_error_messages()
send_email_by_post()
six_million_dollar_man_mode(boolean)
If true makes the code run really slow to give the impression of high speed (like when Steve Austin ran slowly when running bionically).
boolean will_you_be_my_friend()
boolean if_i_told_you_you_had_a_beatiful_body_would_you_hold_it_against_me()
Always returns “Get your hands off me you truck-driving, gun-toting, patch-wearing slime bucket”
boolean are_you_a_nice_computer_like_on_that_film_electric_dreams()
See also: or_like_the_one_in_wargames_that_tries_to_start_a_nuclear_war()
boolean or_like_the_one_in_wargames_that_tries_to_start_a_nuclear_war()
See also: are_you_a_nice_computer_like_on_that_film_electric_dreams()
string_to_orish()
Takes a string and returns it with phonetic Irish pronunciation. eg “How are you” returns “Howar ya”
See also: string_to_artish_formerly_known_as_prince()
string_to_artish_formerly_known_as_prince() // takes a string a returns it as if It was a “artist formerly known as prince” song title eg “Nothing Compares To You” returns “Nothing Compares 2U”
See also: string_to_orish()
trim_non_whitespace(string)
Removes all non-whitespace characters from a string, returning just the whites-space characters eg “ Hello World “ would return “ “
thrash();
Thrashes the hard drive for given number of milliseconds. Useful if you’ve written something that you want to look more processor-intensive than it really is (but only useful if you boss is within earshot of the hard-drive).
string_to_function_name();
Returns an appropriate name for a given string eg “remove the letter z” would return “remove_the_letter_z();” Useful for this kind of project
ununset()
Undoes the previous unset()
See also: unset()
left_shift_right_shift()
Moves all bits in the expression left, then right, this makes the processor a bit warmer.
array_unsort()
See also: array_tidy(), array_pretty()
if (deleted() && shouldnt_have_deleted()) {
there_again_dont();
}
hart_to_hart()
a_team()
Make lots of noise in a barn then burst out and don't kill anyone with your improvised guns.
atan3()
Makes the screen a bit browner
ignore_next_bit { expression }
Ignores the next bit of code. Can be nested
integer how_many_times_a_lady()
Always returns 3.
mail_with_attachments($file, $setting, $user, $other_param, $setTrue)
Probably does something useful, but you’ll have to scan the Net to find out what all the parameters mean and how to use them as the manual is a little sketchy in places (namely here).
execute_some_commented_out_code(toggle)
If set to true, may execute some previously commented out code. Does not execute “real” comments.
war_and_peace()
Returns the full text of Tolstoy epic novel War and Peace. Must be statically linked into PHP.
set_pebkc(toggle)
if set to true, dramatically reduces problems cause by PEBKC (Problem Exists Between Keyboard and Chair).
See Also: set_idiot(), set_just_plain_stupid()
you_know_you_could_have_done_that_like_this($file)
reads a PHP file and suggest alternative ways of doing the same thing. Useful if you work in a single programmer environment and have no-one to bounce ideas off.
See also: do_you_think_id_should(), whos_changed_that_file_without_checking_it_out()
y2k_unsafe(boolean)
Makes all date functions return the year as two digits.
See also: thread_unsafe()
include_twice()
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