Ok, I think I figured out the main problem. Because I'm using an absolute address, as such:
include("http://server.com/file.inc.php");
The include statement in effect has the php file served to it by the respective server in the URL. Now, obviously the server is only going to give the output, and nothing within the <? ?> brackets, which is incidently where all my variables are.
The reason I want to use ".inc.php" files is that simple ".inc" files can be read right from the browser if you know where it is located, and that is obviously not preferrable (to put it lightly). Does anyone have any suggestions of how to hide the contents of the include files without having any administrative access to the server? (i.e. I can't do any changes in Apache, because I don't own the server)
Thanks in advance!