Thx for your help everyone but it's still not working. I've been working this out in my head.
This document holds all of the functions for a particular module. I stripped out ALL of the HTML/output and only put the header() funciton inside of the conditionals. Nothing.
To me, it looks like the conditions are being met so...I took out the header() and threw in a quick echo 'text'; string in there and it output just fine under the conditions.
The include path. This particular document is being included in another page but it does not include other documents. SO, I'm kind of wondering where the problem is. I thought about it some more and I figured instead of re-writing the whole thing line by line and satisfying my curiosity, I am going to cheat and put a stupid little JS redirect after my php code runs. I know, I know but hey, it works.
I appreciate the help on this one. Stupid non parsing header() funciton!