I have it working but I have to do four queries..
all the rows I want to change (apart from the parent) have the same tied_id - (that's the parent's row id):
1) $sql="SELECT revu_id FROM rvus WHERE tied_id='$revu_id' ORDER BY dat LIMIT 1";
$temprevid = $row["revu_id"];
gets the relevant id of the item that will be new parent
2) $sql = "UPDATE rvus SET tied_id='0', ties=('$ties'-1) WHERE revu_id='$temprevid' ";
changes that row to how I want it
3) $sql = "UPDATE rvus SET tied_id='$temprevid' WHERE tied_id='$revu_id' ";
changes all other rows with the same reference (tied_id) to have the new parent id
4) $sql = "DELETE FROM rvus WHERE revu_id=$revu_id";
deletes the original parent row
is there a more elegant way ? !