LOL. This is a joke, right?
But if you're serious: AFAICT, you don't really want a web scripting language, just something you can use from your command line which supports making HTTP requests, working with structured mark up (HTML/XML) and handling databases. You could use Perl (with CPAN nastiness) if you're one of those people who think syntax is for wimps, or you could use Python (with its nice standard library) and actually get the job done.