thanks leatherback! that has helped a lot and i think i have narrowed down the problem.
so the issue (I THINK) was that the login.php form that set the cookie is in a folder outside of the index.php that is checking for the cookie, so for some reason it wasn't picking up the cookie, which i assume is an obvious thing for anyone that has done this all before and a stupid mistake on my behalf because i dont understand how cookies work.
when i copied the index.php into the folder with the login.php page in it, it worked fine. is there a way that i can fix the index.php to read the cookie even though it is sitting outside of the folder with the login.php page?
hopefully this makes sense and isnt a dickload of rambling