SQL Humor

Derokorian

A guy walks into a bar and sees 2 tables then says "Can I join you?"

One table says to another "Can I borrow your keys?" the other responds "Sure, but they will be foreign to you!"

Saw these both on twitter recently... What others have you heard??

traq

The classics are always good... : )

Derokorian

http://cache.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/4/2011/11/8ca4aa827c1151851324895f5ffb778b.jpg

Hehe automated traffic systems beware!

dalecosp

Credit to whom it's due ... do a lil' search.

A big party is being held to honor relational database systems & their impact on the modern society. Outside the venue, the host awaits the guests.

The first limousine arrives, and out steps Oracle followed by 4 people.

Host: Who have you brought along?

Oracle: I have 4 DBA’s in tow. One to install me, one to design the databases, one to administer me and the other to justify the cost.

A second limo arrives and out steps DB2 --- followed by 40 people.

Host: Who have you bought along?
DB2: 2 DBA’s, 2 hardware specialists and 36 consultants.

A third limo arrives and out steps SQL Server - alone.

Host: Why haven’t you brought anyone?
SQL Server: I didn’t bring anyone because I am easy to install and basically self-managing. But I did bring the #sqlhelp Twitter hashtag for when the excrement hits the fan.

20 minutes later up rushes MySQL --- completely unshaven, and his hair a mess.

Host: Where have you been, MySQL?
MySQL: Sorry, I thought it was February 31st...

Derokorian

ROFL! Definitely lost on this one!

dalecosp

It's a criticism of MySQL's "lax attitude" towards several things; type-checking, etc.

Things have improved a bit, but until a relatively recent version, you could set a DATE type column to "YYYY-02-31" and MySQL would let you. You still can, sort of; you have to check warnings to see a problem --- currently that sort of operation would yield a value of "0000-00-00".

Weedpacket

dalescop wrote:
20 minutes later up rushes MySQL --- completely unshaven, and his hair a mess.

Wouldn't that have been three days later?

dalecosp wrote:
It's a criticism of MySQL's "lax attitude" towards several things; type-checking, etc.

bradgrafelman wrote:
That's only true if you don't have your MySQL server operating in the proper mode.

I'm not convinced it's not really MySQL's fault. It's MySQL's/Oracle's decision to use lax defaults that threaten data integrity in favour of making reads really fast.

Weedpacket

Ah, but I'm not using MySQL; that setup was a default I wasn't satisfied with.

dalecosp

Gee, did I open a can o'worms or what?

MySQL is about all I've ever used. Unfortunately, that's because I settled for "good enough", and my default DB design, if possible, is to make as many columns as possible an INT, which even MySQL knows the definition of ...

I plan to learn some other DB just as soon as I've mastered Python, TCL, Go, F#, COBOL, and Brainf***. 😃

dalecosp

Weedpacket;10995713 wrote:
Wouldn't that have been three days later

I'm not sure; I asked the database but couldn't get a definite/meaningful answer 😉

Derokorian

When set up properly I don't see a difference between MSSQL and MySQL the only two databases I have a lot of experience on. But that goes with anything, PHP when set-up properly is amazing, when set-up improperly you get things like register_globals and magic_quotes. If you can't take the time to set up something right, then don't expect it to work the way you think it should!

Derokorian

dalecosp;10995753 wrote:
I'm not sure; I asked the database but couldn't get a definite/meaningful answer 😉

Query Failed: Max execution time reached.

dalecosp

Derokorian;10995754 wrote:
When set up properly I don't see a difference between MSSQL and MySQL the only two databases I have a lot of experience on. But that goes with anything, PHP when set-up properly is amazing, when set-up improperly you get things like register_globals and magic_quotes. If you can't take the time to set up something right, then don't expect it to work the way you think it should!

Hmm ... I much prefer MySQL, but can't really remember why (other than I've $n times more experience on it). Seems like we had some issue with MS-SQL and Unicode strings in some specifically typed column on MS-SQL (TEXT, VARTEXT ... or something). And the connection lingo seemed odd, I had trouble with permissions, had to use stored procedures for things that seemed trivial, etc.

Of course, maybe that's kind of the whole beef with MySQL for those who are DBA-inclined (please forgive me almost typing "an**" there) 😉

Derokorian;10995755 wrote:
Query Failed: Max execution time reached.

😃

Weedpacket

dalecosp wrote:
Hmm ... I much prefer MySQL, but can't really remember why (other than I've $n times more experience on it).

Maybe my reluctance to touch MySQL is partly due to history.

When I first came to choosing a DBMS something over a decade ago, MySQL was an absolute pile of poo compared with PostgreSQL, which (in contrast) wasn't a pile of poo.

Since then I have ran into MySQL on and off over the years and usually found the encounters more annoying than anything else and I usually find my consultation of the MySQL manual results in me discovering that it doesn't have what I was looking for. The impression I get is one of "if it's not trivial, it's not implemented".

In contrast, I still haven't reached power-user level in PostgreSQL. Not being a hardcore DBA nerd, my real-world-ready solutions tend not to be based on exploiting the DBMS. I've designed some custom types and the operators and methods to go with them, I've used recursive CTEs to query parent/child tree structures a couple of times; but I'm not likely to think the best approach involves writing a stored procedure in SQL or Python, or installing the offered PHP interface and writing it in that.

Meanwhile consulting the PostgreSQL manual usually offers the opposite experience to that of the MySQL one: just today, while checking some query syntax I happened on the (standard SQL) WINDOW clause - apparently, it's like GROUP BY only it doesn't collapse the rows that contribute to each aggregate result, instead putting the result in each row that contributed to it. Now if I can just in future recall that at the right time...

dalecosp

I'm pretty sure that I used it because it was the M in LAMP, WAMP, or in my case, FAMP, or because Groggy Lehey work(ed|s) for them, or "everyone is doing it", or O'Reilly sent me a book offer ... in other words, no GOOD reasons.

As it stands now, I'm not able to switch at work, because the solution was originally an 'OOB' PHP/MySQL package ... although it might support PostGres.

I did have to laugh at the ./ conversation on this back in '06 when I saw that (yesterday 😃 )

In the interest of surviving in the volatile economy, I'm really wanting to learn Python and PostGres, though (I was kinda serious up there). Now if there were just 30 hours/diem, instant transport commuting and self-maintaining($life_objects) I'd be well on my way to that goal 😉

dalecosp

Incidentally, Weed, I think I missed your 20K post party. Hope it was a good one! 😃

Bonesnap

I worked with Oracle, MySQL, MSSQL, and even Access in college, but my experience outside of college has pretty much been exclusive to MySQL. I quite like it. It's done everything I've needed. shrug

Derokorian

Oh I have to work with Access at work, its horrible... I wish I could just move it to MySQL or MS SQL but the time it would take is "not in the budget" lol... I hate access and wish it didn't exist.

dalecosp

Derokorian;10995780 wrote:
Oh I have to work with Access at work, its horrible... I wish I could just move it to MySQL or MS SQL but the time it would take is "not in the budget" lol... I hate access and wish it didn't exist.

Where's the like button on that?? 😃

And can I do this?

if ($_POST['I-dont-like-Access']) {
   $AccessSux=1;
   $SoDoesSQLServerWhichSharesSomeOfItsFoibles=1;
}

😃

Derokorian

Well unfortunately PHP development isn't my primary job function. I work in a small corporate enviroment running Windows SBS 2008 with a mix of XP and 7 workstations. I happen to use MSSQL on a daily basis at work as well as MySQL. Our public facing internet site is on MySQL on linux with apache (shared hosting woot!) and our intranet applications run on MSSQL. Our old website was build on access... no comment required

I happen to find them both reasonable to work with. But then again maybe I just don't do the advanced things that make a difference....